CHANGES FOR CHILDREN OF DIVORCE OR DEATH


Changes include: 

  • Now in a single-parent/step family home and/or in two different homes 
  • Rules are now different 
  • Less time with parents (child is living apart from one parent, in the home where the parent now busier because (s)he has responsibilities/tasks of both parents, or parent may be interested in a new adult relationship) 
  • The child may not share feelings connected with the divorce/death because the child thinks it would add to the negative burden already being carried by the parents 
  • Being required to take on new roles/responsibilities 

Loss of: 

  • Stability 
  •  Life as the children knew it 
  • Trust (in parents, self, community and the world in general) 
  •  Happiness
  • Control in their own life (now are “victims” of others’ behaviors) 
  •  Status of being from a two-parent/intact family 
  • Dreams of how it could have been 
  •  Confidence in assessing the world (due to doubting the present or the meaning of interactions in the past) 
  •  Reality – now in denial 
  •  Roles and responsibilities 

Feeling: 

  • Responsible for parents’ unhappiness/divorce 
  •  Of little value (“If they loved me, they wouldn’t have done that.”) 
  • Depressed (affected are: sleep, eating, mood, concentration, less fun in life, lower energy, nervous energy, irritability, increased feelings of worthlessness or guilt, gloomy/dark thoughts, etc.) 
  • Angry and don’t know what to do about it 
  • Confused – hearing conflicting stories and don’t know who to believe  
  • Fearful (of abandonment, instability, more pain, moving, losing friends, change schools, not be accepted by others, afraid of being alone or in the dark, etc.) 
  • Weird because they cannot understand all of what is happening to them 
  • Hurt, but not willing to let anyone see them cry.  (“I have to be tough.”) 
  • Hopeless of ever feeling happy again 

Children may be: 

  • Used as messengers 
  • Caught in between parents 
  • Used as pawns for the parents to get back at each other 
  •  Asked to take sides
  • Used as a sounding board for the single parent 
  • Stuck in the faulty belief that parents will eventually get back together 
Behaviors: 

  • Impatient or grumpy 
  • Unkind to others/animals/things 
  • Withdrawn and not as willing to engage 
  • In more trouble at school or in the neighborhood 
  • Declining grades in school 
  • Having nightmares/not wanting to be in the dark 
  •  Not wanting to be alone 
  • Quarreling more with peers 
  • Less talkative with the parent 
  •  Run away from home or responsibilities 
  •  More defiant or difficult to work with 
  • Become a couch potato, lacking motivation 
  • More restless and fidgety 
  • Speaking unkindly of self or others
  • Testing your love or limits 
  • Reverting to previously outgrown behaviors 
  •  Given up on being part of this unhealthy or painful relationship
  •  Clinging to the parent or friends